Having a teenager in the family leads to many challengers. As a parent we need to adjust our perceptions to recognise the emerging adult while managing the behaviours which are not always as mature as we would like. Understanding the development of the adolescent brain can be very helpful in understanding a teenager. On average, the human brain continues to develop until age 25. This can impact how interactions occur between yourself and your teenager, especially when dealing with inappropriate behaviours and implementing or maintaining boundaries.
The final part of the brain to develop is the frontal lobe area – the pre-frontal cortex. This part of the brain is where executive functioning occurs, such as thinking, planning, decision making and regulation of social behaviour. Therefore, your teenager may struggle with some of these mental processes and make choices which as fully brain developed adults, we don’t understand.
How often have you looked at your teenager, dumbfounded by their logic (or lack of)? If so, you have witnessed the limitation of the developing executive function processes. So, all we need to do as parents, is encourage them to think more and stimulate that executive function to develop faster right? Well that’s the plan, however, pushing a teenager to “think harder” may have another effect. Have you ever witnessed your usually placid, stable teenager explode into a dramatic display of emotions, totally out of proportion for the current situation?
No, they have not been possessed, rather, this too has a reasonable developmental explanation. You see the brain operates in a very efficient, supportive manner. When one process is overloaded, another will lend a hand. Great! Right? Well for your lovable, almost an adult, teenager the process which comes to the rescue of the overwhelmed executive functioning is the limbic system.
The limbic system develops by the age of three and involves several processes required for survival including the fight or flight response and our emotional responses. One part of the limbic system is the amygdala which plays a vital role in emotional responses including anger, pleasure, fear and anxiety. Which means that when the executive functioning struggles and becomes overwhelmed, the amygdala steps in and sometimes becomes overwhelmed resulting in the explosion of emotions exceeding that which is warranted by the situation. For more in-depth information on this please look for work by Daniel Siegel or check out this YouTube clip – hand model of the brain https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm9CIJ74Oxw
So how do we help our teenager to increase their executive functioning and minimise the risk of overwhelming the limbic system?
- Encourage them to develop problem solving skills. Start by getting them to define the problem, identify possible solutions and then consider all possible outcomes for each solution. Once the solution is implemented, have them reflect on the effectiveness. No matter how much we want to protect them and fix their problems, in the long run we are helping them more by increasing their own capacity to problem solve.
- Role model the skills for regulating emotions – maintain calmness when talking to your teenager, even when they become emotional. Highlight any signs you identify as indicating an escalation in emotion and take a break from the discussion to allow them to regain control – but always come back to the discussion or they will use their emotions as a get out of jail free
- If concern arises that you need to discuss with you teenager, avoid ‘ambushing’ them, it makes them defensive (just as it would you). Find a time and place suitable to you both. Be mindful that what you prioritise and what they prioritise as important may not match.
- Acknowledge and validate their feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. This will encourage them to share their feelings with you and strengthen your bond.
- Be clear and precise in stating what your concern is – try to use “I” statements, for example “I feel really worried about you when you’re late home, and would like us to come up with some ideas to avoid this in the future”. This way you haven’t accused them of anything, but rather, expressed your feelings and then aligned yourself as a team to solve the issue.
- When setting boundaries, always know what your bottom line is and allow for negotiation, if the absolute latest you will allow them out is 10pm start by suggesting 9pm and allow them to negotiate you to 10pm. Win/Win. Plus, they learn a valuable life lesson in negotiating.
- Set clear rewards, significant enough to encourage compliance and consequences significant to make breaches not worth the behaviour.
- Once a boundary is agreed on, make sure they fully understand. Have them explain the boundary back to you. This eliminates any confusion later, for example, if you agree they will come home at 5pm, are they arriving at home by 5pm or leaving their friends house to start the 30 min walk to come home at 5pm, thus arriving home at 5:30pm. Boundaries must be precise!
- Be consistent in your parenting – follow through on consequences and rewards; give positive feedback when you see your teenager making good choices; enjoy them at their level – share in their interests and most importantly give them your love, your time and your respect!
If you struggle with any aspect of your teenagers’ journey, don’t be hard on yourself. Many parents struggle with the adolescent rollercoaster – they don’t come with a manual and we all just do the best we can to successfully navigate this potentially challenging developmental period. However, help is at hand. Here, at CQ Psych Services we can help you to understand and build a positive relationship with your teenager. We are available to discuss concerns you may have around behaviour and provide positive parenting strategies. If you have any questions, please contact us.
The internationally renowned Triple P Program offers some great resources on this topic. Here at CQ Psych Services we have access to a trained facilitator of the Teen Triple P Program who can assist you in navigating the difficult issues. See our resources tab on our Website for some more tips.
How to Access a Psychologist at CQ Psych Services:
- Contact us directly by calling 07 49726929 or email admin@cqpsychservices.com.au
- Ask your GP or health professional to refer you to our clinic.
- Visit our website and complete a ‘Contact Us’ form and one of our friendly staff will reply to your enquiry. Website: https://cqpsychservices.com.au/