A Kid’s Brain and The 3 R’s
Why don’t words, logic or reason work when a child is really, really upset?
Dr Bruce Perry (a pretty cool neuroscientist) has done amazing research in the field of trauma which has helped us understand WHY and HOW we can go about responding to children’s’ extreme emotions in a more helpful way. He developed the Neurosequential Model which is not a specific treatment, but a way of understanding how both trauma and relationships impact a child’s developing body and brain. And then he developed a three-step process for how we can respond to extreme emotions, based on his groovy model.
So, back to that question above: Why don’t words, logic or reason work when a child is really, really upset?
An oversimplified answer is this: we know that when the lower brain (our fight/flight/freeze section) is not regulated, well-organized, and efficient the higher brain regions (logic, reasoning) cannot function optimally. When kids are dysregulated or upset, they have little access to the cortex’s logic, insight, and reason.
To support a vulnerable child to learn, think and reflect, we need to intervene in a simple sequence – and reasoning comes last. It’s so natural for parents to start with reasoning. We do this because that is the way our own minds work, and because our past experience makes sense to us.
Step 1 – Regulate
We must help the child to regulate and calm their fight/flight/freeze responses.
What does this look like for the adult?
- REMAIN CALM YOURSELF
- Soothing tone
- Limited words
- Patterned, rhythmic activities
- Watching from a distance (gives space and time while allowing you to monitor for safety)
- Provide a safe and comfortable space
- Controlled breathing
- Grounding techniques (E.g., identify things you can see, smell, hear, feel and taste)
- Demonstrate the activity yourself
Pro tip:
To be ready to regulate another person, you might need to ground or calm yourself first. Find a way to regulate yourself (a controlled breath, a parental pause, an affirmation) before even opening your mouth to respond.
Step 2 – Relate
We must relate and connect with the child through an attuned and sensitive relationship. This is the most effective way to calm the nervous system. When we are around people we care about and trust, our bodies move back into a state that feels safe again.
What does this look like for the adult?
- ACKNOWLEDGE HOW THEY FEEL (“You seem angry/sad/frustrated”)
- Mirror the emotion in your own voice
- Label their feelings out loud
- Acknowledge how hard it is for them (“That was really hard for you” or “That must be really tough”)
Pro tip:
The child might look calmer now, but they are still processing, their stress hormones are still spiked, and they are still in a state of heightened arousal. This still isn’t the time to teach them anything.
Step 3 – Reason
Finally, we can support the child to reflect, learn, remember, articulate and become self-assured. A reliable adult can, through words and reason, support a child to create logical and sequential connections to understand exactly what has just happened to them. They need to hear a simple explanation of what is happening and what will happen next.
What does this look like for the adult?
- Label their feelings out loud
- Give a simple and clear explanation of what has happened, so they can put words to the sequence of events
- Do lots of teaching of feelings, and exploring of emotions
- Play around together to find ways of managing big feelings
- Remind them of their safe places and safe people
Pro tip:
Lots of the work done in the 3rd R step should be done BEFORE something even happens. Build this into your learning and play while your child is feeling good.
How to Access a Psychologist at CQ Psych Services:
- Contact us directly by calling 07 4972 6929 or email admin@cqpsychservices.com.au
- Ask your GP or health professional to refer you to our clinic.
- Come in and see our friendly staff at Shop 1 & 2, 13 Tank Street, Gladstone QLD 4680.
- Visit our website and complete a ‘Request an Appointment’ form and one of our friendly staff will reply to your enquiry. Website: https://cqpsychservices.com.au/
Author: Kelsie Realf
Psychologist
